Drawing Boundaries

So how does one draw a boundary? Respectfully, of course, but how do we clarify that a boundary, when established, is one that people shouldn't cross? It can be tough to draw them. I have a story about how I had to draw a serious boundary with people in my life. Let's talk about how I did it.

My husband and I got married in October 2023. Before our marriage, we were asked one question consistently: will I convert to my husband's religion? The number of times we got asked this was almost comical. The funny thing about this was that my husband was never once asked if he was converting to my religion. I was asked by many people if I would convert. It was assumed that, if one of us were to convert, it'd be me. While this may seem strange, let me explain.

A lot of it has to do with family dynamics. I was born and raised Roman Catholic. My parents were the "most traditional" Catholics many people knew and we...weren't all that traditional. My parents took us to Church on Sundays and had us go to religion classes, but they never had us participate in church any more than we wanted. For example, I was in the children's choir and worked with my parents to buy Christmas gifts for the needy, but we weren't attending all the potlucks and Vacation Bible School. We didn't participate in everything the church ever did. We didn't go to church when we were on vacation, or even over the summer so that we could spend the weekends with my maternal grandparents. I think you get the idea, we aren't the most traditional Catholics you'll ever meet.

On the other hand, the family I married into are very traditional Greek Orthodox Christians. They attend nearly every event their church ever hosts. My father-in-law was a chanter for their church for many years before he was ordained as a Deacon years before I met him. They do their best to go to church no matter where they are, always socializing and trying to be active in their faith community. In their home church, they're respected members of their community. Everybody knows them and their children as they always brought their kids with them to events. The entire family is held in high regard.

*Photo credits to Jeremy Glickstein

The question in question didn't bother me. What did bother me was how people reacted to the answer to said question. The answer to "Are you converting?" is a solid no. I've given my husband's faith a try and I decided it wasn't for me. You would think this would end all the questions, but it doesn't. This hasn't stopped people from asking us if or even when I'll convert. I will say that some people take this answer in stride and are perfectly okay with it. Others do not accept this gracefully. This is where boundaries need to be drawn.

The key to establishing these boundaries, at least for me, is to give solid, well-thought-out reasons for doing what you're doing and why. As an example, I tell them that I'm a firm believer that people, should they choose to be religious, should be a part of the religion that strengthens their relationship with their deity of choice. For me, I'm a believer in the Christian God. The faith that strengthens my relationship with God has always been the Catholic Church. Therefore, it's where I'll stay. Reasoning like this usually gets people to understand your perspective. In this case, usually, I hear something like: "Oh, that makes a lot of sense", and then that can transition into a different conversation.

Sometimes I need to give different justifications if one isn't understood. I always try to prepare two or three proposed reasons for my actions. I do this for two reasons. The first is to show that I gave it serious thought before setting the boundary. The second is to have a different explanation in case my first one isn't understood, or worse, backfires entirely.

However, sometimes, you can't get people to stick to the boundaries set. I've had it happen where someone is dead set that I should convert religions, or they violate some other boundary. If they persist and don't drop it, that's when I start limiting contact with that person. I try not to use that as my go-to because I know that boundaries can be hard to read or get used to. I don't expect people to follow a boundary the first time I set one. Sometimes it takes a few tries before I can get someone to respect it. I recognize we're people, and we're not infallible. If it does repeat and is being done intentionally, that's when I limit contact.

Just because this is what works for me doesn't mean it will work for you. You know yourself best. If people don't accept your boundaries, it's up to you to decide how you want to handle them. My approach may work for you. It may not. You may even disagree with my method. That's okay too. Ultimately, regardless of how you choose to establish boundaries, I want you to do so in a way that works for you. The goal is to ensure that you are treated with the respect you deserve. Do what you must to ensure you're safe and happy.